Birth #3, and why midwives are not always better than an OB...The birth I never talk much about.

Birth #2 left me empowered and confident that I could get through labor.  It also left me very puzzled as to why my body failed me.  (Not in pitious, I feel sorry for myself way, more of a challenging kind of way)  I wanted to learn everything I could about birth and spent all of my free time consuming anything and everything birth.  I certified as a doula with DONA.  One of my certifying births was my neice's in 2001.  My sister (a full inch shorter than me, and a smaller build) had a homebirth.  Her baby came at nearly 42 weeks and weighed 9 lbs 12 oz.  She had a hard, 36 hour labor but she did it and was proud that she did it.  That birth proved to me, that I too, could birth a baby.

In early 2002, my marriage came to an end.  It was a very dark and difficult time in my life.  My doula work went on the back burner as I tried to keep a 'real job' making enought to support myself.  As soon as I got my life together I met my future husband.  We dated for 3 years.  During that time, I took on doula clients sporadically and learned a lot about birth and how influental your provider can be over your choices.  I had one client planning a homebirth VBAC decide to schedule a c/section because her old OB found out about her plans, called her at home, convinced her she could have a 'trial of labor' with him (it would be safer).  Throughout her prenatal care, he would plant little seeds of doubt in her head.  I went to her 36 week visit with her and watched him manipulate her into having a RCS at 38 weeks.  His reason; she wasn't dilated yet.  I did my best to inform her, to provide her with choices, but she had such low self esteem anyway and his months of negativity had won her over.  He was the DOCTOR.  I was nothing.

During this time I had seen it all...RCS, induction, forceps, vaccuum, home birth, episiotomy, natural birth, I got to see a variety of births and a variety of different types of providers.  In 2004, my sister welcomed her second child via unassisted birth on all fours, next to her bathtub.  Her boyfriend helped her catch her 9 lb daughter.  She was HIGH on her UC and talked about the benefits of NOT having a provider through her entire pregnancy and birth and beyond.

In early 2005, once my husband and I decided to be married, I found myself pregnant.  I was 'due' on Christmas day, 2 days after my husband's birthday.   My 'big girls' would be 6 and 9 when the baby came.  My step daughter would be 7.

I honestly didn't know what I wanted to do.  I truly believed that the presence of all the hospital staff at my previous birth was the cause of my failure to progress.  I began to believe that if I could just listen to my own body without interference, without someone telling me what to do, or that I wasn't adequate, then I could birth my baby.  I seriously contemplated having my own UC for several months into my pregnancy.  I even had my wonderful husband on board.  After obsessing over it, I decided that I wanted the option of calling a midwife.  I didn't know anyone at the time who would attend a VBA2C and called on a local midwife to interview.  I emailed her first and she asked me to come in and meet her.

She seemed nice enough.  What I really wanted was someone to be very 'hands-off'.  Someone who wasn't going to tell me what to do and who would even let my husband catch if he wanted to.  I had built this image of birth in my mind that was some glorious/pain-free/spiritual awakening/intimate moment/all rolled into one.  That it would be this magical moment, IF I could be left alone and not let anyone interfere....IF I could get in the right mindset.  I had heard many times that fears can/do keep labor from progressing and if you release those fears then your labor should move along.  I believed that labor was basically 'mind over matter'.

I began my midwife appointments but still held reservations about the ladies who would be catching my baby.  One of them would just get up and walk out of the room without saying a word to me.  The energy was strange and I should have started looking for someone new, but I just didn't know of anyone at that time.  And, after all, I wasn't looking for someone to comfort me...I was hiring them to be hands-off.

(I keep rolling my eyes as I write this, because I have learned SOOOOO much since then!!!)

I never had an ultrasound with this pregnancy, as I was trying to stay as true the the UC mindset as I could.  I felt like any testing was second-guessing your instincts.  (*another eye-roll)

My due date approached and more little issues popped up with the one midwife.  She came and did my 36 week home visit and I decided I didn't want her at my birth.  She couldn't even remember the simplest things about me.  For example, one visit she asked how my son was.  ??? 

I became more insecure and withdrawn the closer I got to birth.  On Dec. 20th, I went to see a Harry Potter movie with a friend and I had my first "real" contraction.

Just like before, these were long and strong.  I tried to stay positive and rest as much as I could.  They came about every 8-10 minutes for the first 2 days.  I did have a tool to use to my advantage this time.  I had learned to check my own cervix.  I couldn't gauge how dilated I was very well, but at least I could tell that things were changing.  (if/when they changed)  Which they didn't.  This labor caused me incredible tailbone/pubic bone pain...sharp, daggerlike pain that lasted both during and between contractions.

On the third night contractions got close together and hard.  They were a minute long and coming every 3 minutes...as exhausted as I was, I was happy that my labor pattern was improving.  I thought surely I was dilating.  This went on for several hours....and then slowed back to 5 mins apart..and back to 8-10 mins.  No cervical change.  I remember sitting in the bathtub crying alone, in pain...doubting myself and my body.  I wanted help and NEEDED help but didn't know if anyone could even do anything.  I made myself wait until after 6 am to call anyone.  I knew that my situation wasn't urgent but I was desperate.  I put in a call to my chiropractor and my midwife.  I left a message for them both.

My midwife called me back and I did my best to explain things without crying...but I became emotional and soon could barely speak through my tears.  I was just so tired and beyond ready to see a change, any change.  I felt very alone.  I was near hysterics.

The midwife began to say that she would meet me at the office but the traffic was not easy to navigate until after 9 am.  She said she would meet me at 11 am.  Her tone suggested that she was "put out" by my call.  (It was 3 days before Christmas, after all.)  My jaw dropped.  I was in total disbelief that my midwife was complaining about the traffic and was offering me an appointment 5 hours away.  Every.single.minute. was agony for me....because of how I was feeling.  I NEEDED support...and I had needed it the entire night.  I just got off the phone...  I said "I'll call you back when I figure out what to do."  I felt like I needed to just figure things out on my own.

I grabbed my phone book and dialed the number to Baylor Grapevine...transferred to maternity and asked the nurse if the on-call OB was VBAC friendly.  I was told "yes".  I told my husband that I wanted to go and see if maybe an epidural would allow me to get some rest..then I could just have the baby there.  I, honestly, didn't know what else to do.  I needed rest before I could give birth....I was having a repeat of my last labor, and I didn't want it to end like that.  I didn't WANT an epidural, but thought it might help my chances.

We arrived at the hospital and I got checked in.  I was totally honest about why I was there and what my intentions were.  I wanted to talk to the OB before I was admitted.  She came in to speak to me, contractions were about every 3-4 minutes at this point.  She would not let me VBAC.  I stood my ground, and she stood hers.  I asked for an AMA (against medical advice) form so I could go back home.  She agreed but wanted to do an ultrasound first since I had never had one.  I agreed, we saw that the baby was fine and I got dressed to leave.

My chiropractor finally returned my call and explained how sorry she was that her phone was messed up and she had just gotten my message.  She offered to come up to the hospital to adjust me but I met her at her office since we were on our way out anyway.

I got home and saw that the receptionist from the midwife office had called at about 12:00 pm.  I called back and the midwife (the one I didn't want at the birth) answered.  I told her what I had done and she acted like I was the stupidest person on earth (I could hear it in her voice)  She literally laughed out loud at me.  I didn't understand.  I truly did not understand.  I was beyond hurt and honestly didn't know what I would do when the baby decided to come out.

When we were at the hospital, the nurse had indirectly sugggested that I could take an ambien.  *lightbulb moment*  I got 4 hours of GLORIOUS sleep.  Hard sleep.  I kept having contractions and was still really, really tired but I felt good enough to shower and open gifts with the kids.  Later on, I tried to take another ambien, but it had no effect on me.   My big girls went to their dad's for the holiday and I cleared my mind, lit candles, put on music and prepared for my baby to come.  If I could have willed her there, she would have come.

The night turned to day and morning came and went.  I had started dilating...I guessed I was 3-4 cm, but it had taken 4 days to get there.  I had no support (other than my husband) and I physically couldn't carry on any longer.  Doubt had won me over and I saw a repeat of my last labor in my head.  I ate a big plate of scrambled eggs and headed to Baylor to have my 3rd c/section.  I gave up.

Everyone was very kind and willing to accomodate me this time.  The OB (different one than before) even gave the green light on anesthesia when they knew I had just eaten (I was thankful for it.)  My OB was really nice and caring, and had excellent beside manner.

My sweet baby girl was born at 2:10 pm on her Daddy's Birthday, was 8 lbs 5 oz and 22 inches long.  She also had a nuchal cord x2, heavy meconium,  and was born with a moderate spina bifida which required surgery at 4 months of age.  (we would have known about it, if we'd had an ultrasound)  :-|